Fourth Entry

For the past two days, my friend/hostess and I had a garage sale.  I made $161.00!  That helped me buy food, tp, & cat litter.  I also paid for my and my daughter's meal because friend insisted we go out and I didn't want her to cover my expenses any more than she already has.  I don't want to be a burden to her.  She has been so kind and gracious opening her home and her heart to me and my daughter.  I still have some $ left!  It has been a while.  I only shower every other day so as not to run up her water & electric bill any more than I already am.  I clean her house and help her with as much as I can.  The garage sale was so tiring!  On Saturday the heat index was 105*.  Fortunately we were in her garage and had a box fan blowing.  I must have drunk 50 gallons of water!  My back hurts, my shoulders hurt, my head hurts, I just hurt all over.  I know that God is in control and I must trust Him that things will get better.  Will they?  When?  Can I endure this strife?  Keep me in your prayers and stay posted.  Big thanks to all who have been Praying and giving me such positive, encouraging comments.  Keep 'em coming. 

Third Entry

I know a pessimist who once told me that it is better being a pessimist than an optimist because if things don't go the way you'd hoped, you won't be disappointed.  I wish I could be a pessimist.  Instead, I am just a depressed optimist clinging onto my last good hope. 
My daughter had to be hospitalized for the past 2 days because of a bad infection called cellulitis.  It has been a recurring problem she has been dealing with for the past few months.  I had it in 2009 and spent a week in the hospital.  She got out today and is staying with me at my friend's.  She said she wished she could go home, but yeah, we don't have one!  We can't do the Dorothy thing and click our heels together and say: "There's no place like home".  Still, I am grateful she is getting better and hope this is over.  I have always been proud that I was strong physically, mentally, and Spiritually.  Since the cancer, I have been tired and forgetful.  I will always strive to be more Spiritual than the day before and optimistically hope things will get better.  Aware that I am totally in God's Hands, I feel weak and confused about my unfortunate (ha!) circumstances in life.  I am old, sick, and very tired.  As the burden gets heavier every day, my resilience diminishes.  Since the mastectomy, a subsequent benign tumor, and the loss of two of my friends who were "cancer survivors", I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Am I becoming a pessimist?  Should I? 

Second Entry

I am too old for this.  Moving nearly killed me.  OK so I just felt like I was dying, but it was the hardest move I have ever made.  Thanks to a very dear friend, I have a place to stay until my SS $ comes in.  My daughter is taking this move very hard as well.  We are very close and we have rarely been apart.  She will be staying with friends a few days a week and here with me the rest of the time so its not so bad.   She showed me a black soft plastic bracelet in her wrist.  She said it was because she is in mourning because we are technically homeless.  I nearly cried.  Instead, I asked her if she had another one and I would wear one as well.  We both are in mourning.  So many people take for granted that they have a home, a yard, a car, a steady income.   Here I am at almost 61 years of age, struggled through poverty raising my kids alone in poverty and thinking if I get a college degree, I will never be poor again.  HA!  I have learned the hard way that the American caste system is alive and well.  Will I always be an untouchable?  It seems that no matter how hard I try, I will always be poor.  Now I have the education - no job - and student loan debt out the whazoo.  How dare I dream of a brighter future!  Churches disdain me because I have some serious problem taking care of my basic needs (housing, food, clothing, etc.) so I am a burden instead of a tithing member.  Because of some horrible treatment ( lies, shunning, refusal to comfort me in my time of serious, life threatening illnesses and financial despair)  I received from a mega wealthy local church, I have officially lost my religion, but NOT my Faith.  My only solace in this abyss of misery I am experiencing is my Faith that God will not let me down.  After all, He is my loving Father, right?  I just can't wrap my tiny little brain around whatever His purpose is with all this hardship I have been burdened with.  I am far from perfect, but have overcome a horribly abusive childhood and marriage, I don't smoke, drink, gamble, or squander my money, and always pray and try to be a good and honorable person.  I don't ask for much and have always worked very hard at my endeavors.  I wanted a better life for my children.  When I was young, I never, ever thought I would be homeless at 60.  Many times I wonder why.  What was the purpose for my miserable life?  This is my last attempt in life to keep my chin up, focus on the positive (ha), and hope that my remaining few years are free of this torment.  Stay tuned as this developing story unfolds before your very eyes.  I am baring my soul to you. 

Hi Everyone!
This is my first ever blog.  I want to share my experiences being a poor, homeless, 60 yr old woman who is fighting cancer. 
Being a product of a young teenage marriage (by the time my mom was 23, she had 5 kids!), my childhood was filled with abuse of every imaginable kind.  My mom had severe mental problems and my dad was ambivalent.  My parents divorced (ugly) when I was 12.  My dad eventually got custody of all five kids.  I was the first of my family to graduate high school (and eventually get an AA & BS later in life).  Most of my life has been spent in poverty.  I married at 17 to an abusive boy.  I finally got the strength to leave him 12 years later with two small sons in tow.  I moved from my home town, Miami, FL to North Central Florida where I didn't know a soul.  I married another jerk and gave birth to a beautiful daughter at 23 weeks gestation.  She is a grown woman now and has been my caregiver for the past several years due to crippling arthritis and then breast cancer.  Thank God for Medicaid!  My breasts were removed (along with some lymph nodes under each arm) on September 23, 2010.  I elected not to have painful breast reconstruction and just go breastless.  I feel so much better not having to lug around those 44DDs.  Now I am on a cancer drug program for 5 years - I have just over 3 years to go.  I had both shoulders replaced.  The right shoulder was replaced in July, 2011 and the left was replaced in March, 2012.  My daughter and I have been sharing a 1 bedroom apartment for the past 5 years.  We have been homeless before and were barely getting by keeping up with rent, utilities, food, etc. when our car died.  I haven't been able to work in over 3 years and my daughter has worked fairly steady until last year when she started to experience health problems.  We get food stamps but nothing else.  We don't smoke, drink, do drugs, squander money, or live beyond our means.  The sheriff just came by with an eviction notice because I cannot pay July's rent.  This is the last month of my lease and I informed the landlord we will be moving out this weekend, 7/21 & 22, 2012.  So now my daughter an I are homeless.  I will be staying with a friend and my daughter will be couch surfing with her friend.  I hope this ends soon.  I filed for SSI 2 years ago and the hearing is scheduled for 8/13/2012.   My attorney informs me that there is NOTHING negative or questionable in my file.  
Even the doctor the SS office told me to see, has declared me unequivocally disabled.  This homeless thing is very scary - and embarrassing.  I have to do something to get through this hardship and I thought maybe this will help.  Tomorrow is big moving day & tonight is my last night here.  Stay tuned for my adventures into the unknown!  Thank you for your time and interest.