15th Entry - Do Unto Others...Part 2

So you already know that I have always tried to adhere to the Golden Rule.  Not everyone does, but some do.  I have two uncles (my dad's brothers) who have helped me pay my rent, utilities, food, etc. from time to time.  I have a dear friend in Denver and her sister in Georgia who have been generous and helped me stay afloat.  There's a small church in Gainesville who has helped me over the years.  My niece sent my daughter $30.00 last year.  My Sister in Christ, who opened her home to me when I was homeless, helped me pay for my move, given me clothes, food, and allowed me to work off most of the money she loaned me.  In a moment of hopeless desperation I started this blog.  Since then, I have felt the power of your Prayers in my life.  Amid all of the frustration of dealing with government red tape, trying to find doctors, and STILL dealing with hunger and poverty, your Faithful Prayers have kept me from becoming overwhelmed.  As my body weakens, my Faith increases.  Although this Christmas won't have much bling, I  have so much to be thankful for.  I try to cherish my Blessings and every day of my existence.  I cherish YOU!  May our Loving Father richly Bless you for your Prayers and Faithfulness.  

14th Entry - Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You

I always tried to live by this rule.  However, it seems like a lifetime of others doing unto me as they wish without care or concern.  My immediate family is the worst.  Even lately with my medical and financial problems it continues.  My older brother lives in a nice home.  Just across the street and 2 doors down, he also owns a nice single wide mobile home.  When I asked him if my daughter & I could stay there until we got up enough for our own place, he said no.  His lame excuse was that the place needed some repair.  Yet it is ok to let his buddies stay there for few months while working in the area.  My younger brother built his home and later on he purchased the lot next door and put a mobile home on it.  He ended up giving that lot w/mobile home to his 3rd wife's spoiled, ungrateful daughter who promptly gave it to her then boyfriend.  My youngest brother was fortunate to have my father help him purchase a piece of land and then a used mobile home on it.  Everything is completely paid for!  Additionally, my sister has been the ungrateful recipient of at least 9 cars from my father.  All the while, I was raising my kids without child support and dependent on the welfare system to barely keep us going in the projects.  I was vilified by this family of mine for going to college in my 40's and then by the DOE student loan by double dipping into my SSDI check leaving me being dependent upon the screwed up food stamp office and begging for food and financial assistance to pay my bills.
Moreover, my eldest son who lost his home due to alcohol and drug use with his very young new bride has no only vilified me for raising him in poverty, he lashed out at me and his sister for telling him I had cancer and was going to have a double mastectomy.  The vicious threats to beat me and kill me and his sister he left on my voice mail caused me and my daughter to seek a restraining order against him.  The hearing was the day before my surgery and the judge was so overwhelmed by his hateful threats, she granted us a permanent, lifetime restraining order against him.  My younger son has been an alcoholic since he was 16 due to the scum he hung around with in the ghetto.  He does not work and is living with an older woman who also supports him.  Although I have bailed him out of jail & let him stay with me with no compensation, he still considers me the "C" word and is ambivalent to my health issues.
What is God trying to teach me?  How much more suffering must I endure?
 Try to imagine how difficult it is to share His love with such a heavy burden on my back.
Today my phone was shut off.  Soon the tv and internet will be off as well.  Until I get my food stamps on the 6th, I am without milk, bread, sugar, coffee, and more.  I had to dig up dirt outside to put in my cat's litter box.  I cannot drive my car because the tag expired in October and I cannot afford insurance.
Really, God?
Why must I continue to suffer and struggle?  Am I so unworthy for basic needs that I deserve this?
Please continue to life me up in your Prayers and give me your thoughts and comments.
This is all I have to keep hope alive.

13th Entry - Dealing With This Life

My health has been keeping me down a lot lately.  I have been suffering from several of the side effects from my cancer medication.  The worst problems are dizziness (I fall) and memory (I forget sometimes).  I try to counteract the side effects with vitamins, and doing mind exercise games like crosswords, word search, word scramble, Sudoku  etc.   I don't like to let people know just how bad things are in hopes they really won't be so.  My health is something that is a concern for me because I am so used to being strong and resilient.  Now I am not.
Compounding my health woes is poverty.  I am so tired of it!  Since September I have been running in a wheel like a hamster, to get food stamps.  I have had seven (yes, 7) workers and still have not straightened things out.  So far, I will get $148.00 for food on or around December 6th.  Until then, we have no milk, no eggs, no bread, no sugar, no coffee, and a sparse amount of food.  We would not have had a Thanksgiving dinner if it weren't for a food basket from a local church.  Needless to say, I have to deal with that stress as well.
I put up an index card by the mailboxes here to see if anyone could donate 2 queen size beds, a dresser, a small microwave, and some bedding and throw rugs.  I also can no longer drive my car because I cannot afford insurance, title transfer to this state, and tags.
Moreover, the US Department of Education got their wires crossed and are double dipping every month on my Student loan payments.  They deduct their double payments from my SS Disability checks leaving me with only $750.00 each month to survive.  My lot rent is $472.00 per month.  That leaves me $278.00 to pay my utilities, insurance, co-pays, medications, laundry mat, travel costs, taxables (like soap & tp), and whatever other cost that just pops up.  More stress to deal with!
I Pray to God to be delivered from the burden of poverty.  I am old, sick, tired, & poor.  My Faith has been pushed to the max and I am totally dependent on my Father, Savior, and Holy Spirit to help me survive this life while I'm here.  Does it have to be so hard?
I keep pretending everything is fine so I don't freak out and get bogged down in that dark place.  I don't want to wallow in my misery.  That would detract from my testimony.  But it is hard to testify when you need so much and have so little.  Is it Satan giving me such a hard time?  Is it God punishing me for something?
Your Faithful Prayers are what is keeping me going.  I try to be strong, but sometimes it is hard.   Especially now with my daughter's birthday on 12/2 and Christmas coming up and not being able to even pay my bills.  Keep praying, I need your help and God's kindness to get me through these hardships.  I want to be free of the heavy burdens and soar in the Spirit.  Pray, Pray, Pray.  I ask God to Bless every one of you.

12th Entry: Living by Faith

After going through most of my life in despair, I always had God to turn to.  Often I felt He wasn't listening.  Sometimes I thought He didn't care.  I begged God to relieve me from the burden of poverty (as seen in my first few posts).   He answered my prayers to a certain extent in HIS time, not mine.  Even though I don't understand His logic, I obey in Faith that He is taking care of me.  Lots of church goers have told me throughout my life how they are "living by Faith" even though they had life pretty easy and had strong family support.  I have found, in my life that living by Faith is a lot harder than I thought.  Living by Faith means not panicking when things go terribly wrong.  It means not giving up on my life because God still has plans for me.  So here I am living in my paid for mobile home insuring I will never be homeless again.  I had Faith that God's provision for me included moving clear across the country to a state I have never been to and know no one.  Although I am still struggling desperately with finances, I know that He will provide for my every need.  Since moving here, I have received a refrigerator, couch, chairs, vacuum cleaner, a cane (to help me with walking), and rides to/from food distribution center, etc.  Also, I have met many beautiful, caring people who include me in their Prayers.  I no longer stress out when I have no toilet paper for a few days, or have no milk for a week.  I know He will provide - and he does.  Every time people ask me why I moved to Colorado Springs I tell them "God" and succinctly explain my testimony of how God led me out of the despair of homelessness and permanently delivered me.  Some people do not understand how God can be the Father, the Son (Redeemer), and the Holy Spirit all in one God.  This lack of understanding has spawned several cults and sects.  After Praying about this dilemma, God gave me the answer and I hope you can use this when sharing your testimony.   Consider something basic as water.  The chemical molecules of 2 parts hydrogen and one part oxygen (H2O).  Water can be liquid, solid (ice), and gas (steam), but in either form of matter it is still H2O!  Some people use the egg analogy = shell, yolk, & white, but I like the H2O analogy better because it incorporates all forms of matter while retaining the same chemical compound.   God has placed each one of us in our own Mission field.  It is our responsibility to recognize the movement of the Holy Spirit and testify as each opportunity approaches us, NOT when we think we should grandstand and force people to believe when they aren't ready to entertain the idea, much less understand.  God loves us, we have a purpose, He became flesh by way of a Virgin and died for our sins.  He is the Messiah.  His blood makes us acceptable to enter into His family.  He has Blessed us with the indwelling of His Holy Spirit to empower us to do His will in our every day life.  This does not mean force.  It means live your life to please God.  The world is watching you - every word - every action (or lack thereof).  That is YOUR testimony.  Do not bring shame to your Creator/Messiah/Comforter.  Give Him the Glory for all things, even the small, supposedly insignificant things.  You have been experiencing the results of your Faithful Prayers in my life and I hope you have been experiencing God's Blessings for your Faith.  Please do not stop Praying for me.  I still have many physical and material needs.  Let's keep going on this journey together!  God Bless you.

One Week From Today!

Sorry I haven't posted anything in a while.  I was hospitalized last week for Cellulitis.  The doctors thought they were going to have to do surgery, but the infection was localized to the upper layers of my skin.  I was very, very sick.  Now I clean the wound twice a day and Home Healthcare comes out three times a week.  This illness has been a small setback but not a deterrent.   This move across the country is totally a God thing and while I was laying in my hospital bed Praying, God revealed to me that this is my Mission Field.  God wanted me here.  There is something He wants me to do.  Many of the medical personnel asked me why I moved from Florida to Colorado.  Hence, the beginning of my new testimony.  The first word out of my mouth to respond is "GOD".  Then I explain how I tried to find a place in Florida but nothing panned out, how I read that Colorado Springs was voted as being in the top 10 places in the US for retirees, looking on Craig's list, and how God flooded us with confirmations that we were doing the right (albeit radical) thing.  
We still have many serious needs. 
Please Pray that God will Bless us with:
A Washer & Dryer
Beds Queen - we are sharing an inflatable Queen sized mattress
Funds to insure/register/license car & transfer our driver's licenses here
Microwave
Toaster/Toaster Oven
Winter Clothing - Saturday's "high" is supposed to be 39.
Chairs/end tables/lamps
Please continue to Pray for our well being and to serve God in our new Mission Field. 

So, are you wondering about the title to this post?  Well, a week from today, October 9th is my 61st birthday and the first birthday celebrated in my new home.  PRAISE GOD!

I thank you for your continued Prayers.  Please stop and Pray right now for our needs, etc.  I will faithfully share these Blessings with you and Pray for you all as well.  It is only through our Faith that my daughter and I have come this far.  Thank you Sisters & Brothers in Christ!  God Bless You!

10th Entry - Ever Wonder Who Is Viewing My Blog?

I found out how to learn about my audience.  Since I started this blog on July 20th, 2012 I have had 661 views!  In just over 8 weeks! 

Here is the breakdown:
USA - 603 views
Russia - 37 views
Germany - 5 views
Canada - 4 views
Italy - 4 views
UK - 3 views
Australia - 2 views
Nigeria - 1 view
Sweden - 1 view

Can you believe it?  So many people from all around the world are viewing this very personal blog.  I do hope that every one viewing is Praying for me.  God has been answering your Prayers, folks!  You have witnessed for yourselves that Prayer works.  Thanks be to God for His Divine Blessings!  I Pray daily that He Blesses all who are keeping me in their Prayers.  Please keep following my blog and share it with as many people as you can.  Let us all Pray for each other and make the world a better place!  I love you all for your Faith and support!

Ninth Entry - GREAT NEWS!!!!!

We finally got to our new home in Colorado Springs, Co.!  It was a harrowing 4 day trip driving a 14' U-Haul Truck with everything we own and pulling a trailer with my old SUV and the cats inside.  We totally love it here!  I was not planning to move, but every opportunity I looked into in Florida fell through.  I truly believe that God lead me here to spend out the rest of my life.  Although it took everything I had (and more) to make this move, I now officially own my own mobile home outright!  All I have to pay is lot rent, utilities, food, & auto expenses.  Although I will be living tight, I know I will never be homeless again!  Everyone is so nice here.  The senior park I live in has lots of various activities and a clubhouse with heated pool, jacuzzi, workout room, TV/movie room, and more!  I cannot begin to tell you how many Affirmations, Signs, and Blessings we have been receiving lately.  These Blessings are only due to our Faith and fervent Prayers to our Loving Father.  Christian men volunteered to unload our truck and have given us a vacuum cleaner and a queen size box spring to go under our air mattress.  We need a refrigerator, washer/dryer, microwave, and furniture.  I have absolute Faith that God will Bless us with those things and more!  I have so much more to share, but request that you continue to Pray for me and my daughter.  See what your Prayers have done so far?  I am so excited about the future!  One last thing, for those of you who have read my entire blog, in the first entry I mentioned black rubber "mourning" bracelets my daughter and I were wearing.  We snapped those suckers off in our new (to us) home!  God Bless You All!

Eighth Entry - The Big Move!

My daughter and I had planned to hit the road tomorrow, Tuesday 8/28/2012 but some ill tempered storm named Isaac changed our plans a bit.  We are leaving on Wednesday a.m. 8/29 for a three day driving experience the likes of which we have never experienced.  I will do most of the driving - yeah, a 14'  U-Haul Truck towing our new (old) SUV behind.  We will still experience some of the storm, indirectly.  Please pray for our safety and easy adaptation to a new place.  This has taken most of my available funds but the sacrifice is for the better.  May God richly Bless you all for your love and moral support.

Seventh Entry - You MUST read this blog!

If you are new to my blog, it would help you understand what is and has been going on.  So please start reading from my first entry and continue sequentially.

For my faithful readers,  this is the news you have been Praying for! 

Social Security declared me disabled!  I got some back payments which has paid a nice 1992 GMC Jimmy 4WD.  I found it on Craigslist for the exact price I was looking for.  I shopped for two weeks until God led me to this deal. 

God has also blessed me with the ability to outright purchase a used mobile home in a very nice senior park.  It is several states away and near a cancer treatment center I have been referred to.  My daughter will be moving with me as my caregiver and angel.

PRAISE GOD!! 

Thank you all for your Prayers and good wishes.  

Now you see what your Faith has accomplished and I am eternally grateful for your moral and spiritual support.  Without your help, I would have probably gone to that dark place which isn't a good place for me.  I intend to continue on with this blog to share God's Blessings. 
Please continue to share my blog with your friends and keep me in your thoughts and Prayers.

Sixth Entry - American Cancer Society

I thought I would share with you all my experience with the American Cancer Society. 
When I found out I had Stage 2 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, it was mid-August, 2010.  I was inundated with papers and "information".  One of the papers I filled out was a request to the ACS for assistance (counseling/mentoring) with my plight.  I went in for my double mastectomy on September 23, 2010.  Not a word, call, card, nada, nothing from ACS.  No visits in the hospital.  No moral support.  After I got home it had been 6 weeks since I requested some help.  So, I called them and asked why my request was not followed up on.  I also needed some special supplies for my post-surgery.  My daughter drove me to the local ACS office where I picked up some supplies and filled out yet another form for services.  Two weeks later, still nothing from them.  So, I called again.  Yes I did.  I asked why I have not received even a call or a letter.  The head honcho/director apologized out the wazoo.  About a week later I got a call from a woman who let me know she was calling long distance.  Apparently she had a single mastectomy 30 years ago!  She was absolutely NO HELP!  Then, a few days after that, I got a call from a lady in town who had her single mastectomy 20 years ago!  I was kinda hoping to get to talk to someone who underwent the procedure in THIS millennium!  I also wanted to speak to a woman or a few women who decided against reconstructive surgery.  So, THAT never happened.  I had no idea what to expect before, during and especially after the surgery.  I had to learn how to hold my breastless torso while I walked, after all, they were huge 44DDs!  As usual in my crappy life, I had no one to give me any support.  I had to clean my drains several times a day and my daughter helped me wrap my incisions with 6" wide ace bandages.  My daughter isn't the most tidy person and I found myself washing dishes 3 days after coming home.  She also felt the drain cleaning thing was sickening, so I was pretty much on my own with that.  How could this happen to me?  I never smoked.   There is absolutely NO family history on either side of any kind of cancer.  The pain was unbearable.  I was all alone.  I felt like damaged goods.  I felt hopeless.  Did the ACS drop the ball and fail epically?  Or was I just expecting too much?  Why can't I think like a pessimist?

Fifth Entry

So, the lady who is so gracious to house and feed me and my daughter got a call from her doctor Wednesday evening.  He was concerned about a recent x-ray which showed her pneumonia had cleared, but was concerned about congestion around her heart and a spot in each lung.  She stayed overnight and was discharged Thursday around 5:30 p.m.  She has to go get a needle biopsy this week.  I hope and pray that she does not have cancer (she, like me, never smoked, etc).  Cancer sucks and of all the people in the world, this lady definitely does not deserve a fate such as this.  My daughter and I are still sharing a queen sized sofa bed and are very grateful to have a bed and a roof over our heads.  I have been in Prayer a lot, trying to deal with all this stress.  God has Blessed me with the comfort of His Holy Spirit.  I must trust that He is taking care of this life for me and all I need to do is be obedient to His will.  I can't describe how very grateful I am for everyone's Prayers and encouragement.  Your Faithfulness strengthens me.  I am truly Blessed!

Fourth Entry

For the past two days, my friend/hostess and I had a garage sale.  I made $161.00!  That helped me buy food, tp, & cat litter.  I also paid for my and my daughter's meal because friend insisted we go out and I didn't want her to cover my expenses any more than she already has.  I don't want to be a burden to her.  She has been so kind and gracious opening her home and her heart to me and my daughter.  I still have some $ left!  It has been a while.  I only shower every other day so as not to run up her water & electric bill any more than I already am.  I clean her house and help her with as much as I can.  The garage sale was so tiring!  On Saturday the heat index was 105*.  Fortunately we were in her garage and had a box fan blowing.  I must have drunk 50 gallons of water!  My back hurts, my shoulders hurt, my head hurts, I just hurt all over.  I know that God is in control and I must trust Him that things will get better.  Will they?  When?  Can I endure this strife?  Keep me in your prayers and stay posted.  Big thanks to all who have been Praying and giving me such positive, encouraging comments.  Keep 'em coming. 

Third Entry

I know a pessimist who once told me that it is better being a pessimist than an optimist because if things don't go the way you'd hoped, you won't be disappointed.  I wish I could be a pessimist.  Instead, I am just a depressed optimist clinging onto my last good hope. 
My daughter had to be hospitalized for the past 2 days because of a bad infection called cellulitis.  It has been a recurring problem she has been dealing with for the past few months.  I had it in 2009 and spent a week in the hospital.  She got out today and is staying with me at my friend's.  She said she wished she could go home, but yeah, we don't have one!  We can't do the Dorothy thing and click our heels together and say: "There's no place like home".  Still, I am grateful she is getting better and hope this is over.  I have always been proud that I was strong physically, mentally, and Spiritually.  Since the cancer, I have been tired and forgetful.  I will always strive to be more Spiritual than the day before and optimistically hope things will get better.  Aware that I am totally in God's Hands, I feel weak and confused about my unfortunate (ha!) circumstances in life.  I am old, sick, and very tired.  As the burden gets heavier every day, my resilience diminishes.  Since the mastectomy, a subsequent benign tumor, and the loss of two of my friends who were "cancer survivors", I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Am I becoming a pessimist?  Should I? 

Second Entry

I am too old for this.  Moving nearly killed me.  OK so I just felt like I was dying, but it was the hardest move I have ever made.  Thanks to a very dear friend, I have a place to stay until my SS $ comes in.  My daughter is taking this move very hard as well.  We are very close and we have rarely been apart.  She will be staying with friends a few days a week and here with me the rest of the time so its not so bad.   She showed me a black soft plastic bracelet in her wrist.  She said it was because she is in mourning because we are technically homeless.  I nearly cried.  Instead, I asked her if she had another one and I would wear one as well.  We both are in mourning.  So many people take for granted that they have a home, a yard, a car, a steady income.   Here I am at almost 61 years of age, struggled through poverty raising my kids alone in poverty and thinking if I get a college degree, I will never be poor again.  HA!  I have learned the hard way that the American caste system is alive and well.  Will I always be an untouchable?  It seems that no matter how hard I try, I will always be poor.  Now I have the education - no job - and student loan debt out the whazoo.  How dare I dream of a brighter future!  Churches disdain me because I have some serious problem taking care of my basic needs (housing, food, clothing, etc.) so I am a burden instead of a tithing member.  Because of some horrible treatment ( lies, shunning, refusal to comfort me in my time of serious, life threatening illnesses and financial despair)  I received from a mega wealthy local church, I have officially lost my religion, but NOT my Faith.  My only solace in this abyss of misery I am experiencing is my Faith that God will not let me down.  After all, He is my loving Father, right?  I just can't wrap my tiny little brain around whatever His purpose is with all this hardship I have been burdened with.  I am far from perfect, but have overcome a horribly abusive childhood and marriage, I don't smoke, drink, gamble, or squander my money, and always pray and try to be a good and honorable person.  I don't ask for much and have always worked very hard at my endeavors.  I wanted a better life for my children.  When I was young, I never, ever thought I would be homeless at 60.  Many times I wonder why.  What was the purpose for my miserable life?  This is my last attempt in life to keep my chin up, focus on the positive (ha), and hope that my remaining few years are free of this torment.  Stay tuned as this developing story unfolds before your very eyes.  I am baring my soul to you. 

Hi Everyone!
This is my first ever blog.  I want to share my experiences being a poor, homeless, 60 yr old woman who is fighting cancer. 
Being a product of a young teenage marriage (by the time my mom was 23, she had 5 kids!), my childhood was filled with abuse of every imaginable kind.  My mom had severe mental problems and my dad was ambivalent.  My parents divorced (ugly) when I was 12.  My dad eventually got custody of all five kids.  I was the first of my family to graduate high school (and eventually get an AA & BS later in life).  Most of my life has been spent in poverty.  I married at 17 to an abusive boy.  I finally got the strength to leave him 12 years later with two small sons in tow.  I moved from my home town, Miami, FL to North Central Florida where I didn't know a soul.  I married another jerk and gave birth to a beautiful daughter at 23 weeks gestation.  She is a grown woman now and has been my caregiver for the past several years due to crippling arthritis and then breast cancer.  Thank God for Medicaid!  My breasts were removed (along with some lymph nodes under each arm) on September 23, 2010.  I elected not to have painful breast reconstruction and just go breastless.  I feel so much better not having to lug around those 44DDs.  Now I am on a cancer drug program for 5 years - I have just over 3 years to go.  I had both shoulders replaced.  The right shoulder was replaced in July, 2011 and the left was replaced in March, 2012.  My daughter and I have been sharing a 1 bedroom apartment for the past 5 years.  We have been homeless before and were barely getting by keeping up with rent, utilities, food, etc. when our car died.  I haven't been able to work in over 3 years and my daughter has worked fairly steady until last year when she started to experience health problems.  We get food stamps but nothing else.  We don't smoke, drink, do drugs, squander money, or live beyond our means.  The sheriff just came by with an eviction notice because I cannot pay July's rent.  This is the last month of my lease and I informed the landlord we will be moving out this weekend, 7/21 & 22, 2012.  So now my daughter an I are homeless.  I will be staying with a friend and my daughter will be couch surfing with her friend.  I hope this ends soon.  I filed for SSI 2 years ago and the hearing is scheduled for 8/13/2012.   My attorney informs me that there is NOTHING negative or questionable in my file.  
Even the doctor the SS office told me to see, has declared me unequivocally disabled.  This homeless thing is very scary - and embarrassing.  I have to do something to get through this hardship and I thought maybe this will help.  Tomorrow is big moving day & tonight is my last night here.  Stay tuned for my adventures into the unknown!  Thank you for your time and interest.